Falling
By: Mykal Adams
I finally get to my destination. I get out of the trees and a 45 ft flat grassy opening appears, a vast ocean beyond it. I put my bag down and take off my jacket and leave it at the tree line. The sun is low in the sky making a soft pink color. I slowly start to walk to the edge of the drop off. I get to the edge of the drop and look down, seeing the waves crash into the side. I close my eyes, my mind going blank.
~ Earlier That Day~
I sit on the edge of my bed early in the morning, looking at a picture of me and a girl I use to call my best friend. We had finally saved up enough money to go to Paris together, something we had been wanting to do since we first met. I use to look at the picture and felt delighted about having such an amazing person with me, but now I feel shattered. Our friendship had prospered even more in Paris and just a few months later, it died.
In the picture it looks as if my green eyes shined brighter, my dark almost black hair more bouncy, my smile wider and brighter,my skin not as pale. But now I have lost the spark to my life. I look at the girl next to me in the picture. Her smile producing small crinkles next to her blue eyes, her dimples showing, her blond hair almost as bright as the sun, her skin a nice tan color.
I start feeling my eyes burning and put the picture in my pocket not wanting to cry again. I take a deep breathe, trying to compose myself. Telling myself I’m okay, but knowing it’s a lie.I walk out of my room, into the kitchen.
My mother is in the kitchen, making pancakes as she does every Monday. A small smile plays with my lips, remembering her do it my first year of school and she’s still doing it and I’m in 11th grade. My mom and me have the same face, same eyes, but she’s about a foot smaller than I am and a bit chubby in the tummy.
“Morning Mom.” I say as I walk in the kitchen seating myself.
She flips two pancakes on a plate and hands them to me, “There’s more where that came from so eat up!” She gives me a smile. A smile I will surely miss.
I smother one pancake with peanut butter. I use to be normal person and eat my pancakes with some butter and syrup, but then my mom met the man of her dreams, and he just happened to like peanut butter on his. When he first tried to make me take a bite, I almost puked in my mouth. Thinking I’m not living the rest of my young life with this guy, but after calling me a chicken and making clucking sounds I ate it. Surprisingly it wasn’t that bad.
After a few plate fulls of pancakes later, I put my plate in the sink and grab my heavy dark green coat with a matching over the shoulder bag. “I’m leaving mom.”
She walks over to the doorway and gives my a quick peck on the cheek, “Okay! Have a nice day. We’re having grilled cheese sandwiches tonight so save up your appetite!”
I can’t help myself and hug her. He head in nestled into my chest.”I love you.”
I can feel her hesitation in the hug, “I love you too sweetheart.”
I let go and walk out of the house. Not looking back.
I’m suppose to be walking to school. I’m suppose to go to school and pretend I don’t see her mocking me. But not today. Today I’m taking the route to freedom and it’s called Last Standing Fall. It’s a drop off that goes straight into the ocean. The downfall though it’s kind of a distance away. I look at my watch, seeing that it’s about 8 a.m. I should be there around 5 p.m.
I get to the edge of town. The gigantic pine trees stretching out, touching the sky. I slow down, coming to a complete stop, the branches reaching towards me, inviting me to come in. I consider looking back to my home. The place that built me, but then I would start to reconsider what I was about to do and I didn’t have time for that. I start walking again, the trees engulfing me within seconds.
I remember watching the movie Brother Bear when I lived with my Dad. My Dad didn’t like it. He said it was stupid to think that a human could turn into a bear by a bunch of lights. I didn’t think it could actually happen, but I learned that momma bears didn’t like it when strangers were near their kids. My Dad said if that ever happened you should try to seem bigger than the bear, but how do you do that when you’re 5’5?
I sit down to get a drink of water, not realizing that I am disturbing a little furry family. I’m about to get some food out, but instead I take the silver blade out hearing a growl behind me. I slowly start turning around seeing a momma bear 100 ft away snarling its teeth at me, the little ones under her as if they’re were frightened. I try slowly backing away the knife arms length in front of me, but it seems that only challenged the momma and she charges at me. I turn and start running. I had always been a fast runner, but a distance runner? Not so much.
My heart starts pounding, feeling as if it’s about to pop out of my chest. I can feel the sweat starting to collect on my forehead and back. I look behind me and see she’s about 70 feet away now. I know she’ll catch up sooner or later, so there’s no point in running, but what else can I do? I want to go, but I don’t want to go like this, I want to go peacefully, not bloody and sweaty.
My blade would be like giving her a scratch, but if I got it deep enough and in the right spot, she might stop. I slowly start to stop and turn around towards her, and raise the blade. I look her dead in the eyes, pleading and begging that she’ll turn back around, but her eyes scream, “You’re mine.”
The first time I killed an animal was when I had my first goldfish. His name was fishy. I didn’t intentionally kill him, but I forgot to feed him one day and it died the next. We had funeral for fishy, but no one knew what to say since I only had for a day. I felt horrible about killing him, but I felt worse when we had to flush him.
Having this bear die in front of me is different. I see the determination fade from her eyes. Her body stops moving up and down, as it consumes the blade. Her brown fur starts darkening with blood. She slowly starts to close her eyes and for a spilt second I think I see her eyes water with tears.
I don’t move away from the bear for a few minutes. She probably didn’t want to go out this way out either. She probably wanted to die of old age, not by a teenage girl. All she was trying to do was protect her kids. Any mother would have done it. Bear or human. My eyes start to water, but I push the feelings back. I had to do it or I would be in her place.
I lean over to her, her body twitching with my closeness and whisper, “I’m sorry.” I grab my blade from her body, wiping it off in the grass, I put it back in my bag and start walking towards my freedom. A walk a few feet away, and then swear I hear whimpering
. I finally get to my destination. I get out of the trees and a 45 ft flat grassy opening appears, a vast ocean beyond it. I put my bag down and take off my jacket and leave it at the tree line. The sun is low in the sky creating a soft pink color. The ocean looks gentle out in the open space. I slowly start to walk to the edge of the drop off. I get close and look down, seeing the waves crash into the side, not looking so gentle.
I feel a gust of wind and lose my balance and rush backwards. I sigh and walk to the very edge, thinking about the pain I’ve been in. Thinking about how lost and lonely I’ve been since she’s left. I think about the times when she would act as if I wasn’t there. The times in school when she would laugh a little to loud, as if saying to me, ‘You’re replaceable’ But thinking about that makes me think of the times my mom use to come in my room, hearing me cry. She wouldn’t say anything because she understood. She would sit next to me and start playing with my hair, telling me everything is going to be all right. That soon I’m going to move out and I can go anywhere I want. I’ll be golden and all I have to do is pass high school.
I put my hands on my eyes, sniffing. I pull them away from my face, my eyes red, but not feeling like I can go on. I stand on the edge again, ready, but no able to. As if something is holding me back. I back up and fall to the ground letting the tears come out. I grab the picture out of my pocket and emotion of anger and sadness washes over me.
“You.” I saw looking at her. “You’re a disease and you’ve infected my mind. You made me think you had won.” I stand up and hold the picture at my side looking at the ocean. “You think you’ve won because you have new friends and I have no one.” My voice cracks, “But I see you. I see the real you. I see the fakeness in your smiles, I hear your humorless laugh. I know you don’t care about them. You’re using them to get to me. You trying to play with my head so I’ll crack and come crawling back to you.” A tear slides down my cheek and I grip the paper and shake my head. “But I won’t. I might be lonely and scared of myself but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go back to someone so who would leave me.” I look down at the picture tear falling on it, “This me and you will always be friends. But me and the new you could never be more than strangers.” I laugh a little, “But I don’t hate you.” I walk to the edge and put my hand out with the picture in it and whisper “I’m just disappointed you turned into you something you said you’d never be.” And I drop the picture.
~ 8 Years Later~
A baby starts crying, pulling me out of my dreams. My eyes start to open, my vision foggy. I slowly start to sit up, not wanting to wake the man next to me but a hand goes to my side telling me, ‘It’s okay. I got it this time.’ He kisses my cheek softly and leaves the room. I lay back down one of my ears pressed to the pillow, but hearing him hush the baby gently and humming a delicate lullaby.
I close my eyes, my thoughts racing about how all this could be someone else's life. How I could have missed out on life, if I would’ve taken the jump. The thought makes me shiver.
